Hello I'm Tom the Reader, don't judge a book by its cover until I judge it for you!
Ladies and gentlemen, what you read today is the first of what I hope will be many blog entries to do with what I love doing most but until I've actually had sex, I'll have to stick with my close second love.
Reading.
I LOVE books! Ever since I can remember I've never gone a week without reading something, be it a magazine article or a novel or good old fashioned comic book and now that I'm 26 I think it is time that I finally put out my thoughts about all the latest books I've been reading. Good, bad or just plain meh.
I've read some fantastic stories in my life and unfortunately some extremely awful ones too but through them all I've always seen each one to the last page...
Except one!
A Godforsaken book that would make Charles Dickens weep if he was still alive. This particular review was written in 2009 and eventually I do intend to finish reading... that book but for now I'm using it as a place holder so you can see what will hopefully be something to keep my hands busy and provide many people with information of what to read and what to avoid.
So until my next blog entry please enjoy my first review.
Twilight AKA Mary Sue: The Next Generation
By Stephanie Myers
Ok, so I'm reading the book 'Twilight' and already I'm regretting it, and before anyone asks why I just don't put it down, it's because I don't like to leave books unfinished, even if they're awful.
So I'm at chapter 3 and the only thing I can think of to describe this book is...
Utter. Shit.
The main human girl whom I don't remember the name of (oh the irony) is just a complete Mary Sue AND just a total bitch to anyone who isn't pretty and that includes her parents (Oh you call them by their first names? Well aren't you a big mature and grown up emo child). That said the writer has made the people who try to be nice to her, act like complete simpletons so as to make it look like she has no reasons to be friends with them but since they're not pretty she can't even be bothered to remember their boring ordinary names. Of course she likes the looks of the ' erfect' students even though the ' pretty guy' she likes hates her guts... and then decides to be nice to her.
Did I mention she's also a smartarse? knowing all the stuff they're giving her in class because she did it before yet she acts like she doesn't need to go to school becuase she knows everything already. Perhaps she can just live with her dad and look after him becuase she's also an amazing cook but oh noes she's no good at sports, she's flawed! Though it's ok because everyone has her back and covering her so the ball won't damage her face that could be pretty if she wanted it to be but chooses not to because she doesn't want to stick out of the crowd.
So far I'm not impressed with this book.
However I do know that this may well be my worst book choice of 2009, though in the end it still doesn't beat the worst choice i made in 2008. (People of Earth DON'T read Daniel X, don't even TOUCH it, or if you do touch it, BURN IT!)
My final thought so far (I'll probably be updating this after I've read more chapters) is that I want to slap the bitch after every sentence, well done. I've never wanted to do that to a character in a book before, in fact i'll finish this with the top ten things I would do with her if I got the chance.
1. Slap the Bitch.
2. Slap the Bitch.
3. Slap the Bitch.
4. Slap the Bitch.
5. Pause for a cup of tea, a chocolate covered biscuit and a musical interlude.
6. Slap the Bitch.
7. Slap the Bitch.
8. Slap the Bitch.
9. Slap the Bitch.
10. Slap the Bitch.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I couldn't read it! I really couldn't! It was horrible so I had to put it down for a week or two to get the poison out but it sucked me back in! I HAD TO READ IT! *WIBBLE!*
So anyway the words 'OH GOD IT'S ONLY THE THIRD CHAPTER!' sprang to mind.
This is where it started to actually have some sort of plot... possibly.
It's been snowing and Little Miss Bitch-A-Lot thinks she's so careful driving to school in the snow only to find out her dad put chains on her tires (HA! Take that you! Thinking you were so awesome with your driving! JOKES ON YOU! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!)
Of course she's all 'oh I'm not used to people caring for me moanmoanmoanI'msofuckingemo!' and fails to notice some idiot in the car park who, even though has lived FAR longer in this town than she has, was SPEEDING in ICE in a CAR PARK in WINTER!
so anyway the car comes towards her (out of everyone around) and I presume that she gets crushed and ohwaitno,there'smore...crap!
Nope somehow Edward appears out of nowhere and rescues her (and he leaves a dent in the car that no one questions)
She goes to hospital where she is checked out and she does her 'I'm fine! STOP LOOKING AT ME' speech and meets Edwards dad... who works in the hospital... as a Doctor... a Doctor who I assume has to deal with blood... blood that a vampire drinks and goes crazy over for... I'm assumming he's a vampire too... I hope they explain how he can stand blood later on... I should stop using all these dots... There's a recession going on afterall...
....
.
Anyhoo she leaves the hospital and who is in the waiting room? THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCHOOL BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL WORRIED ABOUT HER!
GOD! It's like she's Miss Popular for some reason even though she only hangs around with the bloody nerds.
It does lead to the question as to what was the woman who wrote this book like when she was at school? I'm guessing she was a loner and this is how she wished SHE had been treated at school. *Fires up the Mary Sue Alarms some more*
Of course no one else saw Eddie save her and he makes her keep it a secret but the question is... why? And why does she now have an even bigger crush on him? Why does she now dream of him? And Why am I still reading this? All will be revealed when I return later for more angry vile to get out my anger and boy is it helping!
see you all later... if I can actually survive another chapter!
Ok, I survived... Barely.
So she's now DREAMING about this guy she likes/hates/like every single night now, dreams that are cliched liked... really cliched. Seriously, the ol' 'running after someone in the darkness but never reaching them is pretty much one of those things that's been done to death... and then revived as the undead.
Ugh, it's a month later and she's complaining about how she's the centre of attention again and the guy who nearly hit her, the guy who admitted he was driving too fast, the guy who was stupid enough to speed in a car park with ice on the floor is trying to bang her along with the two other guys! (becuase I'd fall in love with someone I almost squished into a fine gooey paste too)
Now bitch girl thinks she's special because she's the only one who notices Edward and no one believes he saved her. There's something about this line that really makes me think she's thinks she's perfect.
'No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.'
There's a big argument, the vamp and the bitch (that would be an interesting title for a book, I'll have to remember that) do this I hate you but thanks anyway, ok now we're friends again crap.
Oooh and there's a dance! but bitchy hates dancing and once again aaaaaaaaaaaaall the guys are hoping she'll ask one of them out but she turns them down (becuase she can't dance, boo hoo hoo) and this builds up to another typical mary sue moment.
Bitch girl suggests to three girls that they ask the guys who have been bothering her to the dance instead, natually this just makes her awesome becuase now all the girls have dates and she's helped them with their problems and now she's oh so wonderful and cool! (typical Mary Sue)
Then there's more talking and Edward saying she shouldn't be near him (Even though they're planning on going to Seattle together) but she can't stop staring at him and feeling her breathe being taken away every time she sees him!
Now I'm not one for crudeness. I can't stand fart gags, or vomit gags or any other bodily humour gags (expect that ipicac scene from Family Guy, THAT was funny) but I really REALLY hope she gets her period around that Vampire, I really do, just so he can go nuts and just kill her already!
Moving onto blood, turns out she can't stand blood, goes all fainty at the smell of it (and she can smell it! Ooooh normal people can't usually smell it! What can this meeeeeeeean!) and apparently she has a lot of fainting spells (typical damsel woman)
There's also a part where Eddie signals her to move from her 'fan clubs' table and sit by him and you can just hear in her head 'so long losers! I get to be with my Eddie Weddie pretty bitty boykins now! I have no need for the rest of you! BWAHAHAHAAAA!' and her 'fans' are all pissed off with Eddie for 'stealing' her, because she's their awesome friend and there's no one else like her and without her their own lives are meaningless and empty and they'll diiiiiie!
And of course there's more talking and her trying to guess what he is and saying he msut be a superhero and him saying he might be the bad guy and her replying 'oh no! Not you! You can't be bad! I shan't accept it!' and then they talk about her mom and how apparently mummykins is far far prettier than bitchy (for fucks sake girl do you put yourself down in the hopes someone will give you compliments???)
And then Eddie goes off Camping.
And that's the end of the book.
Yay!
oh wait no there's a chapter six! Oh well, I'm sure there can't be THAT many pages left! Let's see, I'm now on page 95 and the book ends on page... 434?!
f**k.
*New update*
God this is pissing me off! F**K P*SS SH*T!
The story is getting worse and worse by the goddamn page and I'm finding it harder and harder to stomach.
Usually it only take me a few days to a week to finish a book, I don't believe in speed reading, but god it's taking me a month to read this and I haven't finished it, it's like homework, you keep putting it off and off and it gets worse when you do eventually pick it up and know it's something you really don't want to do.
So it seems that her friends are a little jealous of her being friends with Eddie, a little distant, no doubt to make them less sympathetic when Bellend finally dumps them and never speaks to them again and we never hear about them in futher books because that'll probably what will happen becuase who cares about normal boring people?! Also one of them really doesn't like her now becuase SHE likes one of the idiots who's drooling over Bellbitch, even though Bella makes it clear she doesn't like him.
So off they go to the beach (Whoo! Beach trip! Whooooo!) but not Edward, he doesn't wanna go for mysteeeeeeeeeeeeeeerious reasons but low and behold if THREE guys salivating after the Mary Sue wasn't enough then a FOURTH one comes along, but it's ok becuase he's an old friend of hers and he's rather young... so it's ok to flirt with him! Yaaaay!
So the kid tells cliched vampires vs werewolves (hinting he's a werewolf himself) and explaining that Ed's family can't come to the beach becuase of some ancient pact that forbids them from going to, although the kid seems to think it's not true, but you can tell he's lying and she gets to thinking that maybe just MAYBE Ed's a vamp... but he can't be evil... can he?
And UGH! GOD! MONKEY TITS! We get ANOTHER Godamn dream sequence! ANOTHER ONE! And this one gets even stupider!
Edward is all 'trust me Bella! Truuuuuusssst meeeee!' and Werewolf boy is all 'Noooo! Bella! Run! Ruuuuuuun!' and attacks the vamp but then she's all 'nnooooo' herself but instead of being worried that the awesome werewolf is being hurt she's all scared that the bastard VAMPIRE is going to get hurt. (everyone knows the werewolf is more awesome)
So now she's all curious and wondering about vampires, hoping that there are some good ones, and after complaining about how slow the connection is in her town and how annoying all these popups are on her computer (hasn't she heard of pop up blockers?) and dismisses all the websites that are based on movie, roleplay and tv vampires (becuase none of those things EVER got anything right about vamps!) until she finds some site which describes every version and even though there were many versions of vamps that better described Edward and his behaviour she only takes note of the only version that says there might be good vamps. Boy is she deluded!
Now she is convinced that Pretty boy is a vamp but for some reason she doesn't want to stay away from him! Not because he's dangerous, not becuase he's a monster or his charm or wit but... becuase he's pretty!
Goddamnit, she seems to be in love with him only becuase he's fucking pretty and beautiful!
And so she does an essay (which she finishes becuase she's perfect and can write anything!) and then puts one of the guys who likes her straight and tells him that there's some other girl that likes him!
Stupid idiot man: Oh jee wow Bella! You're right, someone else likes me! Wow I'm so amazed I didn't see this before! Gee I really like her too! I never realised before how much I like her! You're so awesome bella! I'll stop liking you now becuase the plot isn't about people going after you now! blah blah blah!
And that's my fill for now!
You know what I'm going to do after I finished this book?
I'm gonna read a better book.
Mein Kampf perhaps? In German. At least I'll get more of a laugh from that.
Toodles for now!
